The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller Four
by The morrigan three
Summary: Back to Hogwarts for another year, Dumbledore is as batty as ever and I still have to teach snot-nosed students potions. The fourth diary instalment from your favourite teacher, Severus Snape.
1. Predictions, Quidditch and Cups of Tea

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, any of the characters or the locations mentioned.

**Yes, I'm back with the fourth instalment of Moanings and I hope you all enjoy this one as much as the previous three. **

**And can I just say that I'm shocked that Harry Potter is to be an A Level text, it has very little literary merit and J.K. Rowling is a very poor writer. I am so glad that I have completed my A Level English Literature and will never be subjected to studying it. I mean, can you really put it on the same level as Dr Faustus or Rime of the Ancient Mariner? I think not. Anyway…**

Chapter One: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller IV

**Words cannot describe…**

… how annoyed I am right at this moment. I can't even bring myself to write it down without breaking the pen in anger. I am going to go and have something to drink, then come back and explain.

**Nope**

Still annoyed, and now also a little bit drunk. Well, after Wolf Boy's very embarrassing departure (very embarrassing for him, exceedingly entertaining for me), Dumbledore advertised for a new DADA teacher and I, of course, put myself forward for it. I can't be worse than the last three teachers. The first was a loon, the second was an idiot and the third was a werewolf. I'll accept that Lockhart could have duped Dumbledore but the other two mistakes are just inexcusable. Quirrel had a pet Iguana for god's sake, nothing screams lunatic more than an unhealthy interest in slow animals.

Anyway, I was given a time to arrive for an interview so I got all prepared to dazzle Dumbledore with my non-lunacy and non-long-fanged-hair-sprouting characteristics and we… prepare yourself… drank tea for two hours. Not one question about DADA passed his lips. We talked about the weather, holidays, other teachers, the Ministry and even the Giant Squid, but bugger all about what I was actually there to talk about! And the most amazing thing is I didn't even _realise_ until I was halfway down the corridor back to the dungeons what had actually happened. Hatred is not a strong enough word to describe my feeling towards that man. I detest every crazy fibre of his being. I especially loathe every fibre of his moral being. I abhor the very ground that he walks on. Which probably begs the questions, why am I still here? Free lodgings, free food and a wage. So there.

**Good grief**

All the Daily Prophet is talking about is the Quidditch World Cup. I really don't get the point of it all, loads of idiots holding onto flying sticks. There are more important things to waste my time doing than watching that. Ireland vs. Bulgaria, apparently it's promising to be 'the most exciting match since Poland met with Spain in the match of 1853, which lasted four days and three people died during the course of it.' I can think of at least ten things that are more exciting than the Quidditch World Cup, including dying all of my black robes black and cleaning my toenails. I would rather spend an evening with McGonagall than sit in the midst of the unwashed masses, screaming at flying idiots hitting balls at each other.

**What a surprise**

I asked Dumbledore about the DADA position and he "declined to answer on the grounds of not knowing." Maybe if I develop drug and drink problems he'll give the job to me, or perhaps if I turn into a blood-guzzling vampire. With Dumbledore I don't think the safety of students and fellow teachers comes into consideration, if it'll add a bit of dangerous excitement to the year then it's allowed.

**Well, that was disturbing**

I was happily stalking my way along the top corridor, and suddenly Trelawney leaps out from behind a suit of armour covered from head to foot in a _huge_ flowing gown and occult symbols, flourishes her finger at me and shouts,

"Bewaaaaaare! Severus Snape, I have foreseen terrible things! Your grisly death!"

My complete lack of reaction put her off a bit and the finger and volume were both lowered, she then obviously decided that her whispery voice would creep me out a lot more than her booming voice.

"I was gazing into my crystal ball and I saw, oh Severus! I cannot repeat what I saw!"

"You were ball gazing?" What can I say; I enjoy being puerile and childish.

"Yes! Crystal ball, I saw- I must go and tell Albus!"

And with that she swept off towards Dumbledore's office to relate my grisly and imminent demise, probably hoping to get a bit more of a reaction from him. I do hope it gets back to McGonagall; she'll be torn between her hatred of me and extreme dislike for Trelawney. Sometimes I do feel slight sympathy for Trelawney, she spends her whole day alone in that smoke filled room gazing into balls and teacups. No wonder she's barking.

**On and on and on…**

Quidditch World Cup this, Quidditch World Cup that. Nobody cares! Nothing exciting _ever_ happens at these things and three days later no one can remember which teams were playing let alone the final score. 'Victor Krum is the one every fan has got their eyes fixed firmly upon.' Well these 'fans' need to get lives. And girlfriends.

**Hmmm**

Had a deep and meaningful conversation with Dumbledore concerning Trelawney's mad ravings. We came to the decision that a) Trelawney may finally have tipped herself over the edge, b) my death is very likely and finally c) it's all Dumbledore's fault. Okay, so I added the last one but it's still true. Dumbledore seemed very happy to discuss my death; apparently it's at the hands of those I have betrayed or something similar.

"'A death suitable for a traitor', I think Sybill's EXACT words were. But I wouldn't WORRY Severus, the mind of a psychic is a VERY fragile thing."

Yeh, that and the house elves have reported seeing her burning opium in her rooms.


	2. Rude Awakenings, Caffeine and Arguments

Disclaimer: I still don't own Severus, not that I haven't been trying…

Chapter Two: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller IV

**Oh dear**

This is not good. Seriously not good. The Quidditch World Cup took place last night and there were some minor incidents concerning Muggles and Wizards. Those minor incidents did happen to include people dressed as Death Eaters flinging badly dressed Muggles around. Dumbledore appeared at my door at about two this morning looking slightly miffed at being woken so early by a tirade of owls from different people and I think he was slightly surprised to find me still in the castle.

"Severus?"

"Yes Headmaster?"

"Have you HEARD what is HAPPENING at the World Cup?" Still don't understand why he has to emphasis words that have no importance.

"No Headmaster."

"Ahh." That's all I got. No explanation, no pearls of wisdom, not even a 'sorry for disturbing you at this ungodly hour to ask you a stupid question and then not even give you a reasonable excuse.'

"What is happening?"

"Well Severus, it SEEMS some of Lord Voldemort's FOLLOWERS have become slightly INTOXICATED during the CELEBRATIONS." Oh crap. That doesn't sound good. Though the idea of Lord V being intoxicated makes me laugh. Very quietly of course.

"Oh."

"INDEED Severus. Your presence here SUGGESTS that tonight was not PLANNED however, I will INFORM Fudge at the appropriate TIME." It's a wonder everyone in the Wizarding World doesn't know I'm working for both sides. Dumbledore is very old and by default therefore quite wise, but he isn't a bloody all-seeing oracle.

"Headmaster. What has actually taken place?"

"Sorry? Oh, nothing MUCH. The Dark Mark." Nothing much? Nothing much?! The Mark used to be the symbol that everyone feared, perhaps even more than they feared Lord V himself! But if I say something Dumbledore will start his whole speech about fearing the person, not the name or the symbol. Stupid old man doesn't have a clue what he's talking about.

"Anything you wish me to do Headmaster?"

"No SEVERUS, everything should resolve ITSELF quite quickly I SUSPECT. I shall keep YOU informed." Wow that's reassuring, Dumbledore can't even remember what day it is most of the time never mind remembering to keep me up to date with events.

**Can't sleep**

Stupid Dumbledore, waking me up at stupid times to basically have a chat. And now I can't sleep at all, not that I sleep much anyway but I usually get at least three hours. I can hear the squid singing as well, it sounds like a house elf being drowned over a long period of time. I'm going to have to get up; it's utterly pointless just lying here.

**Mood equals jittery**

I've been sat here for around four hours and I've got through six cups of coffee, two cups of tea, one cup of Dumbledore's jasmine tea (which was disgusting by the way), four chocolate digestives, ten bourbons, a packet of stale Mini Cheddars and half a Mars Bar. I don't think I've eaten/drunk so much sugar and caffeine in one go since I was sixteen, I can't sit still and now the other teachers are starting to appear, thankfully quite a few of them are on holiday. McGonagall went skiing to the Alps at the beginning of the summer and I had to sit through a sodding slide show of holiday photos showing her inching her way down mountains in various tartan hats looking miserable. Maybe if I just sit really quietly and still they won't notice, if I can manage to sit still that is.

**Severus 0, McGonagall 0, Dumbledore 500**

Oh I am in so much trouble. So so so much trouble. When most of the teachers had finally risen out of their pits there was a bit of confusion as to where all the biscuits had gone. I promptly blamed Peeves and all of the teachers agreed, until McGonagall asked what exactly Peeves would want with biscuits seeing as how he couldn't eat them. Flitwick was keeping his back firmly against the wall; I think he was afraid of being pelted with mouldy bourbons by a floating fiend. Then Dumbledore called a meeting about the Triwizard Tournament and I voiced my opinions on Karkaroff quite loudly, including calling him a pompous, backstabbing git who has an unhealthy liking for blast-ended skrewts. All of that is true by the way, but Dumbledore didn't appreciate my 'sneering, snide comments' as McGonagall described them. I informed her that I could voice my sneering, snide comments whenever and wherever I liked and if she didn't like it then she could take huge leap off the Astronomy Tower. Many other things were said; objects and names were flung around. I'm particularly proud of 'oversized heap of bat-droppings in a tartan bandage' to which she answered back with 'skulking, two-faced, son of a constipated squid' which is actually quite imaginative. Dumbledore tried to break us up by saying stupidly sensible things like 'calm down' and 'lets resolve this diplomatically' which didn't work and we just ended up telling him to keep his bent, wrinkled nose out of our business. He bellowed "Children!" and we both shut up then. We have to go and see him in his office in an hour. I'm not looking forward to this, I've heard about some of his methods concerning apologising and making up. But I have an excuse: I was high on caffeine. McGonagall is just a loon.

**That could have gone worse**

Dumbledore's points:

a) Our behaviour was completely unacceptable

b) We showed ourselves up in front of the other members of staff

c) Some of our language was very foul

d) We are among the longest serving teachers at the school and therefore should behave appropriately

e) How can we possibly attempt to teach children about equality when we ourselves cannot demonstrate it

f) The argument itself was very childish and unnecessary

g) Severus should keep his opinions to himself in the future

h) As should McGonagall

i) But Dumbledore can voice his as much as he wants

j) Comments about Dumbledore's nose are not appreciated

k) Dumbledore doesn't like being told to keep his nose out

To which I answered:

a) She started it

b) I don't care

c) But also quite imaginative

d) That's just depressing

e) I don't teach equality, I teach survival of the fittest

f) She started it

g) But I won't

h) But she definitely won't

i) He probably shouldn't but does anyway

j) But sometimes necessary and always highly amusing

k) Because he's a nosy old git

We have been told to just keep out of each other's way and report to him every week at a specific time to 'analyse our relationship'. I told him that it wasn't my fault; it was because I'd been drinking coffee since about four that morning because of him waking me up at ridiculous hours.

"Ahhh yes Severus. BUT we all need to be WOKEN by a STRANGER in the night occasionally DON'T we?" Yes, I think that is officially the creepiest thing Dumbledore has ever said, and hopefully will ever say, to me. It has however made me worry about some of his nighttime pursuits.


	3. More Arguments and Apologies

Sorry about the delay for this chapter, been on holiday…

Chapter three: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**This is stupid**

I'm sat in Dumbledore's office listening to McGonagall talk about her week. This is the most boring woman in the world giving a blow-by-blow account of her daily activities. Dumbledore decided that to improve our working relationship we should take more interest in each other and through doing this we should be able to find some neutral ground and (heaven forbid) something in common. She is in fact so immersed in telling her story that she has failed to notice that I'm writing in here, I'm gonna start sharpening my pencil and see if she takes the hint then. Dumbledore's here as well, to make sure we don't end up killing each other, and he seems genuinely interested in what McGonagall has been up to. Oops, I think he's realised I'm not listening…

**I was right**

He did indeed notice, gazing at me over the top of his glasses and motioning towards McGonagall with a very threatening 'listen to her or else' look. The highlight of McGonagall's week it seems was meeting Madam Rosmerta for a drink. Wow.

"Thank YOU Minerva. Severus, WOULD you like to TELL us about your WEEK?" I did wonder, just for a second, what would happen if I said no, but Dumbledore gave me such a look of indifference that I decided against annoying him further.

"Well, on Monday I mixed some potions, on Tuesday I cleared out my stores, on Wednesday I went in the Forest to collect some ingredients, on Thursday I spent most of the day in library, on Friday I had an argument with Peeves, on Saturday I wrote some lesson plans for the coming year, on Sunday I went to the Hogs Head to meet up with some associates and today I dragged myself out of bed to come here."

Well, McGonagall doesn't look all that impressed. Neither does Dumbledore. Good.

"Is that ALL Severus? Nothing else to ADD?"

"Not really." Oh, how I love being awkward. Dumbledore just looks a bit exasperated.

"Minerva, thank you FOR coming along," McGonagall gave me one of those simpering smiles as she left, like she was a fellow student who had just got me into trouble. "Severus." Oh dear. It's never good when Dumbledore just says your first name and waits for a response.

"Headmaster." That was a good response. Neutral. Not giving anything away.

"I get the FEELING that you do NOT wish to BE here." Top-marks old man, you're not quite as clueless as you look. "Yourself and Minerva cannot CONTINUE the way you ARE. We have enough enemies WITHOUT making ones out of THOSE we should TRUST." I've had just about enough of this, I get blamed for everything.

"What did you want me to say? Describe your week Severus. Well, on Monday I spent the day trying to track down which Death Eaters ruined the world cup, on Tuesday I met with said Death Eaters and had a nice chat with them, on Wednesday I attempted to repair some of the damage caused by the World Cup, on Thursday I mixed many dangerous potions that I hope will never have to be used, on Friday I did actually have an argument with Peeves which ended quite nastily for him, on Saturday I was in correspondence with some of my contacts for most of the day, one of whom has died in very suspicious circumstances, and on Sunday I went to play poker with some very unsavoury people. Is that what I should have said Albus?"

We sat in silence for quite a while after that, I know that Dumbledore was waiting for me to say something else, apologise even, but I refused to saying anything until he had.

"I'm sorry Severus. I expect TOO much of YOU sometimes." Well I certainly didn't expect him to apologise. I don't think I like him apologising. It makes him seem slightly less mad and slightly saner.

"Next week I will attempt to embellish my lies slightly more." That's my idea of apologising. He gave me a nod and I left _very_ quickly. I can't help shuddering whenever I think about it, Dumbledore apologised! I am surprised he didn't ask about this book though.

**Ooookay**

Dumbledore is acting very oddly; he came down to the dungeons this afternoon and asked if I wanted to join him on a 'jaunt around the grounds'. I, wanting to get out of writing lesson plans, agreed and so off we set. Now, when Dumbledore said 'the grounds' I didn't realise he meant _all_ of them, we went around the Lake, into the Forest, down near Hagrid's, my feet are absolutely killing me. The point of all this wandering around was so that Dumbledore could have a nosy into my life without appearing nosy. We'd got halfway round the Forest before I finally realised what he was up to and I assured him that I did not need to be looked after in any way, shape or form. He didn't look convinced but moved on to more trivial things like the Triwizard Tournament and so on, I suggested he called another meeting of the teachers. He twinkled his eyes at me after I said that, it was quite eerie standing in the dark Forest with Dumbledore all lit up like a Christmas tree. Very bizarre.

**Another meeting later…**

We have decided that no one under the age of seventeen will be allowed to enter, meaning Potter will for once have to let someone else have the glory. He'll find some way to stuff it all up, I know he will. I kept my mouth shut for the entire meeting, only saying something when Dumbledore specifically asked me. McGonagall was looking very sullen; annoyed that Dumbledore hasn't given me more of a telling-off no doubt. Anyway, through the course of the meeting we discovered that no one really likes Karkaroff, Poppy doesn't want the Tournament here at all, Flitwick doesn't really care either way, Hagrid is excited about meeting Madame Maxime and Dumbledore is very thrilled about everything in general.

**Holidays are over**

All the horrible sprogs are back this evening, undoubtedly to wreak more havoc and pain on me. There was a bit of a panic in the kitchen because Peeves decided to have a bit of fun with the House-Elves. There was carnage. House-Elves running everywhere, the kitchens were covered in food, McGonagall screeching at Peeves. Finally the Bloody Baron was sent for and he made Peeves come out of the kitchens, none of us know how he managed it but none of us really have the courage to ask the Baron anything. Dumbledore thanked the Baron and stood with me as the House-Elves began to clear up.

"Severus, why did YOU not step IN? You can CONTROL Peeves better than most of the TEACHERS."

"I have to get my entertainment some way." He smiled at that, but I notice he made no move to help the House-Elves clear up.

**Ah!**

How am I supposed to be able to keep my stores fully stocked for the students if I can't even reach half the places that sell the ingredients? Wizards are dragging themselves into the 21st Century, most of them have online stores and it takes them forever to reply to an owl. Why can't we just have electricity? I mean, I can't even check my emails without going to Diagon Alley. Hasn't Dumbledore heard of a computer? Or bloody Facebook?

**Feeding time**

It's seven o'clock, I suppose I should go and take my seat in the Great Hall, I wonder if the House-Elves have managed to recover from their excitement this morning?

I saw Peeves hiding in the main Hall when I walked through with loads of water bombs poised over the Main Entrance. I was going to tell him to bugger off and do something constructive rather than annoying people, but the thought of Potter getting a water-bomb in the face made me reconsider. And even if Potter doesn't get hit, the sight of students looking like drowned rats is enough to make me smile.


	4. Welcoming Feast

Disclaimer: I own diddlysquat. Seriously, sue me, I dare ya!

An extremely short chapter because I am extremely busy.

Chapter Four: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Oh look…**

Here comes Potter, and he looks as bigheaded and snotty as he did last year, seems another summer with his delightful relatives hasn't managed to quell his self-importance. He's glaring at me! I've only been sat here two flaming minutes and already I'm being given, admittedly quite poor, evils across hundreds of cups of pumpkin juice. It's times like these, when I see all the students returning to their seats, see all the first years standing at the doorway looking nervous and awe-filled, see Dumbledore looking all old and knowledgeable at the front, that I wonder why I bother with this place. The sorting hat is about to start, lets see what rubbish and slander it spews out with this year.

_Shrew Slytherin, from fen._ Oh yeh, we've got bold Gryffindor, fair Ravenclaw, Sweet Hufflepuff and Shrew Slytherin- where is the fairness in that? Sexy Slytherin has a much better ring to it.

_And power-hungry Slytherin_. It says that like it's a bad thing. One of these days I'm going to steal that hat and leave it in the Slytherin Common room. It'll soon experience what bastards Slytherins are towards twattish pieces of clothing. And now that it's shut up, we can get on with the sorting and then finally some food! God I'm starving.

"Ackerley, Stewart." Eyes are too far apart, Ravenclaw. Correct!

"Baddock, Malcolm." Good face for sneering. Slytherin. Correct!

"Branstone, Eleanor." Very nervous looking. Hufflepuff. Correct again!

"Cauldwell, Owen." Would wet himself at the first sign of a Slytherin. Hufflepuff. Correct again.

"Creevey, Dennis." Go on, put him in Slytherin. Nah, Gryffindor of course. I'm getting bored of this and McGonagall's only up to 'C'. Weasley's complaining about being hungry, stupid boy, you don't have to sit next to McGonagall for the entire feast. Assuming of course that we actually get a feast and the House Elves aren't still all running around flapping their arms and shrieking about Peeves.

**Ha**

Mad-Eye has just wandered in, fashionably late but not so fashionably dressed. He looked like a tramp whose dog's just died. Mangled, grizzly, barmy old codger that he is. And, before you comment, no. I don't like him. Now I understand being cautious, untrusting and suspicious of everyone because I'm like that, but he takes it to a whole new level. He takes it so seriously that it becomes funny. All the students looked shit scared of him as well, but not in a quite amusing way, in a way that they wouldn't be able to stay in the same room as him without being sick.

**Well**

That was exciting. Dumbledore's just told everyone that the Triwizard Tournament is coming here and everyone, apart from Potter that is because he's a turd and didn't know what it actually was, was really excited about it right up until the moment that Dumbledore told them the age restriction. Oh you should have seen some of the student's faces! They were priceless they really were. And can I just say thank all the gods in heaven and hell for the age restriction, there's no possible way that Potter can win the Tournament and hopefully a Slytherin will win so that I can gloat about it to McGonagall for the next fifty years. So, the start of another year that promises to be full of shouting, cursing and cheating. What fun.

**First Lesson**

I love having my first lesson of the new year with the first years, they all sit there looking small and scared behind the dissecting benches and I always make sure I'm slightly late, just so I can bang the door open and stalk down the middle of the classroom with my cloak swishing. Unfortunately my entrance was somewhat spoiled by the appearance of McGonagall in front of me and squeezing past me to get out of the door. I think I probably ended up just looking a bi stupid. I bet McGonagall did it on purpose; she knows how much first impressions matter to me. Anyway, I did the usual speech about brewing fame and putting a stopper in death, I always wonder if it's becoming a little redundant but then I see the looks of awe on their little faces I know I've still got it.

**Freaky guy…**

Mad-Eye has been prowling the corridors all bloody evening and it's really starting to annoy me, it doesn't matter how many times you snoop outside my door you're not going to catch me in here having a cup of tea with You-Know-Who. And he's not the most successful person at snooping quietly; the wooden leg is a bit of a giveaway. I went and had a bit of a whinge at Dumbledore after the fourth time of him clunking past and he just smiled at me and tapped his fingers on the side of the teacup he was holding. Didn't say a word, just sat there smiling until I left. I'm going to try that next time McGonagall starts complaining at me, just still there with a blank face until she sods off.


	5. Moody and Complaining

Chapter Five: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**There's nothing to do…**

Every time I step outside my chambers Mad-Eye appears as if by magic and watches my every move until I go back inside the dungeons. I really don't know what he is hoping to achieve by doing this but whatever floats your boat I suppose. I will admit that I did get a small degree of satisfactory going to the staffroom, making a cup of coffee, looking out of the window for a bit, loitering next to a quite risqué portrait of two men on the fourth floor before finally heading back to my room. I would love to know what information Mad-Eye gleaned from this trip.

**Bloody oaf**

You'll never guess what that gorilla taught in his first Magical Creatures lesson. Blast-Ended Skrewts. The most ugly, pointless and potentially dangerous things ever. Oh, now I see why he chose them, nice case of symmetry. Anyway, Malfoy spent the whole of dinner complaining about how his finger was burnt, I told him to either go to Poppy or shut up complaining. I can't stand people who complain and then don't do anything about it completely stupid.

**That** **smelly, gammy old bastard**

Mad-Eye, the fossilised tramp that he is, had the audacity to try and discipline Malfoy! And he went about it in a very unorthodox way. Malfoy was, quite understandably, bullying Weasley about his father appearing in the Daily Prophet when Mad-Eye decided to turn him into a ferret and bounce him off the walls of the castle. Apparently McGonagall intervened before any real damage could be done but Malfoy is still supporting some impressive bruises. Regardless of this blatant disregard for school rules, assaulting a student and generally being a pain in the arse, Dumbledore didn't even tell him off, never mind suspend him! Moody came tramping down to the dungeons with Malfoy in tow and told me to discipline him further! I don't think Moody quite gets the whole idea of Slytherins, we bully, sneer and swagger our way through life. This is the way of the Slytherins. I'll start disciplining Malfoy when Dumbledore lets me test dangerous potions on unsuspecting students.

**This is damn ridiculous**

I reckon Moody has been pouring poison into Dumbledore's lugs about me, I keep being asked all these stupid questions about Karkaroff and Durmstrang, as though I'm going to suddenly admit "yes, it's a terribly bad school with a Death Eater for a headmaster, who will almost certainly attempt to cheat at some point during the tasks." What do they think I am? Stupid? I'm head of Slytherin for crying out loud, lying is in my nature!

**Blundering idiot**

I've just had the misfortune of a potion's class with Gryffindor fourth years, and Longbottom decided to melt his cauldron. This is now the sixth time he has managed this and it still baffles me, Sprout goes on and on about how amazing he is in Herbology while I counter with tales of his immense stupidity in Potions. I usually win the battle of 'How Stupid is Longbottom?' by producing all of his cauldrons and getting the other teachers to guess what potion we were trying to make that day. I took out my annoyance with Moody on Longbottom, decided a detention disembowelling toads would teach him to take more care of his cauldron. It was immensely satisfying I must say.

**This is so unfair!**

Moody has been teaching the Unforgivable Curses in his lessons! Getting spiders, performing the curses on them and then teaching the students all about them! And the worst, the most insulting, part of it all is that Dumbledore didn't even have the decency to look surprised. If he gets the slightest whiff of me teaching anything even mildly dodgy in my lessons he's down to the dungeons like a shot to have a bit of a whinge about school rules and so on. What does Moody get? Ignored, that's what Moody gets. It's damned ridiculous.

**Urgh**

Went to see Dumbledore again and I realised halfway through how whiney I sounded! It was so pathetic it was embarrassing. 'Moody's being mean to me, Moody hurt my feelings, why am I always in trouble, he started it.' Good grief. I'm glad I realised when I did and managed to get myself to shut up. We sat in silence for about five minutes; Dumbledore ate a cola cube and finally asked me if I was feeling better. I left before I damaged something. I swear he treats me like a child because it gives him a power kick.


	6. Gripings and Goblets

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter!

Chapter Six: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**And I thought Dumbledore was dramatic**

The groups have arrived from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang, both trying to outdo each other with spectacular displays of imagination and wealth. I think they both failed horrendously. Karkaroff came up through the middle of the Great Lake, throwing scummy water everywhere, killing half of the merman and giving the Squid a heart attack. It was quite amusing watching Dumbledore greet him because it was obvious Karkaroff was scared shitless and Dumbledore was just taking the piss out of him. Ron Weasley nearly wet himself when he saw Krum as well, it was pathetic. Madame Maxime flew in on horse-drawn carriages, again very mediocre as we have skeleton horse that can only be seen by certain people. I can't wait to see Hagrid's face when he sees Maxime, she's a half giant as well, and it'll be like he's just found a prized possession that he's been missing for years. They've all piled into the Great Hall to eat our food; it's like a freaks convention in here and Dumbledore's the main attraction.

**Oh now *that* was interesting**

Karkaroff was walking out of the Great Hall, Weasley moved to let him pass and of course Potter appeared to hog the limelight. Karkaroff must have stared at him for about half an hour, clogged up the entire sodding hall while he had a good gawp, then Moody had to stick his oar in with, "Yeah, that's Harry Potter." Well of course it's pissing Potter! What gave it away, the gouge in his forehead, the stupid glasses or the bird's nest haircut? Anyway, once Karkaroff's attention was away from Potter and onto Moody it really kicked off, he almost fell over from the shock of it all. Moody made some more suitably sarcastic comments and Karkaroff waltzed off looking like he'd just had a lemon forced down his throat. It was almost orgasmic to watch. Dumbledore appeared at my side, went "hhhmmmm," and then buggered off again. Hhhmmmm indeed!

**Bloody Hallowe'en**

I will never understand why anyone chooses to celebrate this stupid holiday. For Muggles it's a chance to dress up as something they deem as scary and scrounge treats from each other, basically just another excuse for humans to get something for nothing. We however *live* like this every day, we know that these so called scary creatures exist and yet we still subject ourselves to the tedious frivolities under the illusion that we are enjoying ourselves. And every year Dumbledore buys hundreds of bats for the castle and every year they cause havoc. To top all of this off, for about four months after Filch continues to find evidence of their time in the castle because they fly into various things, like suits of armour and vanishing cupboards, and appear again months later in a pile of rotting flesh when some unsuspecting student trips over the feet of said suit. They're disgusting and pointless. Maybe Dumbledore sees something of himself in them. Though the Hallowe'en Feast is going to be slightly more interesting this year as we'll find out who is in the Tournament for each school, we had another little 'talk' from Dumbledore, he went on about being fair and treating all students the same blah blah blah.

"Are you paying attention Severus?" That's McGonagall, stirring as usual. Of course I'm not bloody paying attention, Dumbledore speaking is a signal for me to stop listening.

"Should I be?"

"Yes Severus! This is a very important subject."

"Now now Minerva, I'm SURE Severus knows the SEVERITY of fairness and equality. He does of COURSE practise it within his OWN classes every DAY." Oh I hate it when Dumbledore is sarcastic, he says it in such a nice way that he could very well be being sincere. In my own defence, I do have a policy of equality. I hate everyone equally. Apart from McGonagall. And Potter.

"Thank you Headmaster." I'll accept his jibes graciously; I'm not childish like some would have you believe.

"We all practise fairness and equality Albus, though I think Severus' understanding of it differs from our own." She gave me one of those silly little smirks and sipped her tea like a rook at a puddle. McGonagall can't stand it when me and Dumbledore are being polite to each other, makes her feel left out and unwanted.

"Wasn't there something about undermining fellow colleagues in one of your little equality charters Headmaster?" Oh yeh, Severus rules! I love it when I win arguments, makes me feel all fuzzy inside.

"NOT if they DESERVE it though, hmm Severus?" Damn him! Damn him to hell! Always has to have the last bloody word.

Anyway, the main gist of the meeting was that we can't treat our champion like, well a champion, and the other school's champions like lying, cheating, back-stabbing imposters. Even though they may be.

**Oh he's in trouble…**

We've just had the names of the champions spat at us from a flaming goblet; Diggory of Hufflepuff is competing for Hogwarts, Krum for Durmstrang and Delacour for Beauxbatons. We're all sat there, clapping and pretending that we care whose the other school's champions are and Dumbledore stands up to make his finishing speech when the goblet starts gurgling and spit out _another_ name. I'll give you three guesses to whose name was written on that paper. Here's a hint: nothing can happen in this school without this particular student being involved. Yep, you've got it. Harry bloody Potter.

The other heads were furious, thought Dumbledore had tricked the goblet so that Hogwarts could have another champion, but Dumbledore was just as annoyed as the rest of them. I was all for either disembowelling him or, if that was deemed a bit over the top, I would settle for simply ignoring the fact that his name did get chosen and just having Diggory compete. Apparently there are rules however and Potter has to compete. Karkaroff was accusing Dumbledore of all sorts of silly things, so I stepped in and explained how it was all Potter's fault, and I was effectively told to shut up by Dumbledore! I'm never stepping in to defend him again.

Mad-Eye came hobbling in and added his opinion into the mix, annoying Karkaroff immensely and those two ended up having an argument. Karkaroff brought up a very good point about Moody's suitability for teaching Dark Arts at a school and I might just pursue that line of argument with Dumbledore at a later date. I noticed that Dumbledore let Mad-Eye carry on for a lot longer than he let me before shutting him up, and he was basically accusing Karkaroff of being a dark wizard! Dumbledore's one to talk about treating people the same, it was blatant favouritism.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that Potter maintains he didn't put his name into the goblet, he is obliged to compete and there's nothing anyone can do about it. One good thing has come out of all of this though; the chances of Potter dying this year have just gone up by about one hundred percent.


	7. Meetings, McGonagall and Moanings

Disclaimer: Still don't own Harry Potter

Chapter Seven: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Good grief**

Karkaroff is really starting to get on my wires, he strides around the castle like he owns the damn place, talks to Dumbledore like he's trying to understand a troll and avoids me to such an extent that it's quite suspicious. The only good thing about having his pompous face here is that Moody is taking a lot less interest in me, instead preferring to stalk around after Karkaroff giving him scary grins and winking. If I was Karkaroff I'd be so freaked out by Moody that I would have taken my ship and got the hell out of here.

**Damn it!**

With all the excitement vis-à-vis the Triwizard Tournament I had hoped Dumbledore had forgotten all about his little 'getting McGonagall and Snape to bond' idea but alas it is not to be. Got an owl this morning from him asking me that I join him at eleven for tea and conversation, which I will apparently be providing. The conversation that is, not the tea. I've been trying to think of things to say I've been doing this week that don't sound a) mad, b) addictive or c) dangerous and so far have nothing. I'm currently sat in my room trying to mark some third year work and pretending that I actually care what marks they've got, feeling the minutes slip by until my doom.

**That could have gone better…**

It seems McGonagall was not in the mood for small talk as she has spent the last week receiving the cold shoulder from most of the teachers, especially Sprout, who believe that she should keep her students under better control. Dumbledore made some sympathetic noises then handed over to me to say what I'd been doing and, seeing as how I still hadn't thought of anything, I sat there in silence before finally saying that I'd marked work and taught lessons.

"NOTHING none work related Severus?"

"Not especially Headmaster. With the Triwizard Tournament I've had very little time for more leisurely pursuits."

"All work and no play makes Severus a very dull boy." I'll teach that old bag to mock me.

"At least I keep my students under control." Ha, she didn't like that. Not one little bit.

"Albus! I did not come here to be spoken to like that!" Spluttering away like a broken vacuum cleaner.

"Severus, THAT was uncalled FOR. This is NOT the place to DISCUSS Mr. Potter's discrepancies."

"When are we going to discuss it Headmaster? It has been a week and we've heard nothing."

"The RULES Severus. The RULES state that Harry must compete. I do not KNOW how his name came to be IN the goblet, but IN it WAS."

"Who exactly are these rules from? Who's going to enforce them? If we tell Potter to sod off will the castle suddenly get ambushed from all sides and Mrs Norris held to ransom until he competes?"

"Don't be silly Severus."

"Your HUMOUR is, I'm afraid, NOT appreciated in this instance." I was being deadly serious actually Dumbly, but believe what you want.

"You're right Headmaster. They'd get nothing for Mrs Norris." I left his office after that. Or rather, was sent from his office in shame. Apparently there is a time and a place for jokes and that was not one of them. Though I swear I saw McGonagall trying not to laugh, either that or she had just stubbed her toe on Dumbledore's desk. I have also been told that our meetings will continue until either I begin to take them seriously or Dumbledore looses all patience with me. And Dumbledore has a _lot_ of patience.

**You have no idea how much I just enjoyed that**

Walking to a fourth year lesson I came across an argument between Malfoy and Potter, they had ended up trying to curse each other and hitting other people. Goyle had loads of boils on his face and Granger ended up with two-foot front teeth and I couldn't help but have a little jibe. I'd just been exiled from Dumbledore's office and was itching to take it out on someone, so I told her that I couldn't see any difference. Of course Potter and Weasley had a bit of a paddy about it and started shouting and screaming, so I took points off Gryffindor and gave them both detentions. I'm glad Potter had to leave five minutes into my lesson, I don't think I would have been able to look at his stupid face for an hour non stop without killing him or myself.

I'm now waiting with baited breath for the summons from Dumbledore and dagger glares from McGonagall. And to think, we all made so much progress in our last meeting.

**How does he do it?**

Dumbledore swept up to me the minute I left my rooms this afternoon, saying that however annoyed at him I was I should not take that out on the students. I know for a fact that Granger didn't go and tell him what I'd said so how does he find these things out? For that matter, how did he know I was leaving my room at that specific moment? He can't have been sat out there waiting for me to come out, I'm sure he has more important things to be getting on with. Seriously creepy.

Anyway, I basically shouldn't say anything nasty to any of my students even if they're being little bastards, and I should also get some hobbies to talk to McGonagall about. Apparently me trying to bring down V and the whole gang by working as a double agent isn't enough for him, he now wants me to take up playing badminton or something equally stupid.

"I'm doing ALL of this for YOU Severus, you'll THANK me in the END."

If it'll make you shut up and go away I'll thank you right now. That man seriously has issues. As does McGonagall, who came screeching up to us just as Dumbledore was about to bugger off and starting shouting about favouritism.

"They verbally assaulted me, I thought detention and points away was the most sensible course of action."

"Severus is, for ONCE, correct Minerva. The detentions WILL take place." Correct for once? I'm always bloody correct. You should both be glad I'm showing a bit of maturity by just giving them _one_ detention, and not fifty!

Now, I need to go and work out what sorts of horrible, unimaginable things I can make Potter and Weasley do in detention.


	8. Acquaintances old and new

(Note to Lissa: No, there really aren't and if you can point any out I'll be astounded.)

Chapter Eight: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Holy mackerel**

Is there no level Potter won't stoop to in order to get more attention? The latest issue of the _Daily Prophet_ was dropped onto my plate this morning and there, beaming up at me, was boy wonder, saviour of all, Harry-the-sun-shines-out-of-my-arse-Potter. I think my favourite line in the whole article was _'yes, sometimes at night I still cry about them, I'm not ashamed to admit it'_. Oh he's gonna regret admitting to that one, that article is going to give Malfoy enough material to bully Potter until he's thirty. And apparently he's found 'love' with Granger, god help the next generation if those two are going to be spawning it.

Anyway, I can't move in this castle without seeing a picture of him grinning at me, a copy of the _Daily Prophet_ article or Moody glaring at me with both eyes. With most people this won't bother me, but when Moody has both of his eyes looking in the same direction, you know you're in trouble.

**Woop!**

This is why I became a teacher. I'm sat watching Potter and Weasley pickle rat's brains in stony silence because they've fallen out, and there's at least another hour to go. I'm tempted to just have them sit and look at each other, because it's so delightful to watch Potter squirm while Weasley glowers. It's poetry in motion it really is. No matter how many times Dumbledore said that the Tournament would unite all the houses in a common goal, all it's succeeded in doing is making the Hufflepuffs hate the Gryffindors, and Slytherin are officially no longer the most hated house in Hogwarts. The Durmstrang students all just slope around complaining about things and the Beauxbatons students flounce about complaining of things in very high voices. It's unbearable.

**That was pleasant**

Met up with some acquaintances in the Hog's Head while most of the students were in Hogsmeade, and who should appear but McGonagall with Poppy in tow. Apparently they were 'sheltering from the wind' but I know they were just being nosey and wanting to know where I was off to, neither of them ever set foot in the Hog's Head and then they suddenly appear at the exact same time that I'm in there? Yeah right. No doubt they'll scuttle back off to Dumbledore to tell tales on me, though I swear there is nothing in the school rules that says I can't drink and gamble with people of a shady nature on a weekend. My weekend is my time. I can glean a small piece of victory from the whole event however, McGonagall looked like a rabbit caught in a snare when she saw me watching her. She obviously thought she'd got into the pub without being spotted, but there is a reason I sit near a reflective surface with my back to the door. I'd never be stupid enough to sit in the Hog's Head without having complete control over who sits around me. And another bonus, I have time to think of an argument for when Dumbledore corners me later on in the castle, which he will undoubtedly do.

**Or not, as the case may be**

I don't know what the hell McGonagall told Dumbledore but I'm in serious trouble. Either that or Dumbledore severely disapproves of the Hog's Head, but knowing Dumbly like I do he wouldn't be so conformist, everyone hates the Hogs Head so by default Dumbledore must like it. This is why everyone labels him as barmy, but the truth is he just thinks the exact opposite of everyone else; it makes him appear 'kooky' and 'knowledgeable'. We're all trying to blag through, in our own ways, but Dumbledore is the worst offender. In a game of cards, Dumbledore won't play; he'll just look at everyone else's hands and bet on the loser. Just because.

Anyway, he came sweeping up the minute I entered the castle grounds and just stood there staring at me for ages. Now most people start blabbering after a few seconds when faced with a silent Dumbledore, they have this innate need to fill the gap with their life secrets. I however have been treated with the silent treatment many many times before and just stood there with a blank expression until Dumbledore finally gave up and told me to walk with him. We did a circuit of the Great Lake in silence, Dumbledore feeding the Giant Squid with pieces of bread and things like a Muggle feeding ducks in a park. He found a Werther's Original in one of his pockets and threw that it, I don't think the Squid was too impressed though, it fired the sweet back in our general direction and it rocketed off into the Forbidden Forest. I can only hope it hit a Centaur and caused a bit of damage.

"Minerva has INFORMED me of your afternoon PURSUITS Severus."

"I participated in some recreational activities in the Hog's Head with some of my more favourable acquaintances Headmaster."

"Ahhhh, it was YOUR acquaintances that Minerva expressed some CONCERN for. And your location was LESS than DESIRABLE to her." I never thought I would hear 'McGonagall' and 'desirable' in the same sentence…

"I was told to participate in some non curriculum activities and so I sought out some amiable individuals."

"It was ASSUMED you were meeting with PERSONS of shady natures."

"I was. I don't exactly know any people who don't have shady natures."

"You FIT in WELL." Always has an answer for everything doesn't he? The Giant Squid is eyeing me up; I think it's still a bit angry with me after it got dragged into mine and McGonagall's feud.

"Am I being reprimanded or not Headmaster?"

"For having a SOCIAL life? God no Severus, I was MERELY keeping Minerva happy by agreeing to TALK to you."

"Very good Headmaster."

"And now I am going to go and tell Hagrid off for keeping slabs of meat in the staffroom fridge, Minerva has expressed her dislike for it numerous times." He winked at me then bounced his merry way over to Hagrid's hut while the Squid glared at me from the other end of the Lake. I waved at it before I went up to the castle and it waved a tentacle back at, though it looked suspiciously like it was swearing at me rather than waving back.


	9. Fighting Dragons

Sorry about the complete lack of updating that's been going on of late, but work overrides Potter-bashing unfortunately.

Chapter Nine: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Is there no end?**

That turnip-headed Headmaster still has it in his head that Karkaroff and Maxime are going to play fair, and continues to believe that Potter did not put his own name in the Cup. He's so naïve it's unbelievable. If I were him I would have had the House Elves put something in Karkaroff's food days ago.

**Potter might die!**

It's the first task today; I'm wondering what Potter's going to do to defeat his dragon. It's sort of unfair because the other champions obviously have another year or so of magical education to help them, whereas Potter is barely capable of holding a wand. If I felt any sort of need for fairness I would probably drop a couple of hints for stuff that would help him, but I don't, so I'm not going to. I sort out my moral dilemmas very quickly. With any luck he'll panic, stand there looking gormless, and then get eaten. Poetic justice.

**Well…**

I told Dumbledore that the other School Heads wouldn't play fair, and I was right. Krum and Fleur both looked like they knew exactly what they were doing, and brought spells and charms to mind immediately. I suspect Diggory had also found out about the dragons, he seemed reasonably capable of dealing with it. I begrudgingly have to say that Potter did quite well; he successfully did a summoning charm (which impressed me by itself) and flew around a bit before grabbing the egg. There was just too little blood, guts and fire for my liking, very unrealistic, I just felt let down to be honest. Krum and Potter are tied in first place, I don't really know why I'm telling you all this, it's amazingly uninteresting.

**Ah crap**

My seemingly eternal meetings with McGonagall – is it my imagination or are those things getting a lot more often? – have now, finally, come to a very unhappy end. It was fantastic. We started off in our usual stony silence, with Dumbledore berating us for not wanting to 'communicate effectively' to which I replied that neither of us had anything interesting to say and even if we did, nobody cares. McGonagall tutted and rolled her eyes, stating that:

"Just because you have nothing interesting to say, does not mean that _I_ don't."

"Oh please, tell me more about your knitting patterns and biscuit dilemmas."

"Now, Severus, the AIM of these meetings is to LISTEN."

"Well these meetings are not getting us anywhere. We all sit here pretending to care and I actually should be doing something conducive like lessons plans or marking work."

"Or playing poker in the Hog's Head?"

Dumbledore interrupted at that point, looking at us over his steepled fingers and cooing about being nice and polite.

"Oh come on Albus, this is pointless. Severus just can't accept that he is completely socially deviant and needs to acquaint himself with other outcasts because they are the only people who will be with him, but all they succeed in doing is reinforcing his belief that life is greatly unfair and there is nothing he can do about it."

"Headmaster."

Yeh, that was my reply and cue to leave. You might think that that was the most pitiful reply I could ever have come up with, but ending it with that line and exiting his office with my dignity intact was the best thing I think I have ever done. Everything that McGonagall said is, incidentally, complete hogwash, but I didn't feel it necessary to point out how wrong she was. This would of course entail revealing exactly _why_ I associate myself with certain undesirable individuals and there's no way Dumbledore would appreciate me doing that. I'm expecting him to come swooping down to my dungeon any minute and thank me for being so grown up. One thing has come of this, I don't have to sit through any more excruciating meetings with that flea-bag of a Transfiguration teacher.

**Told you!**

I barely had to wait fifteen minutes for the Headmaster to appear in my dungeons. I'd decided to do some marking and was merrily ripping apart some poor second year's homework when he suddenly appeared by my desk. Apparently I handled what McGonagall said very professionally and Dumbledore appreciates my adult attitude towards the whole thing.

"She has ASKED for your RESIGNATION."

"Only if I get hers in return."

"Now now Severus, I TOLD her I would not ASK for any such thing from ANY of my teachers."

"I won't participate in any more of these pointless meeting Headmaster."

"I think that MAYBE for the BEST, Severus. Your activities are ONCE again your OWN."

"Thank you Headmaster. I will be glad to resume my reclusive existence without being scrutinised by McGonagall."

He laughed and said "Point TAKEN Severus", then buggered off. I'm feeling more superior than I have done in weeks. I proved that the meetings were pointless, got the upper hand with McGonagall and got Dumbledore's backing. I'm awesome.


End file.
